I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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