note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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