If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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