i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
