God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
