we have officially lost it.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
