You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
