so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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