I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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