I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
