just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
