i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
