we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize