Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
