so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
