I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
