I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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