Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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