i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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