i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
i think my cat just said my name.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
