How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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