answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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