i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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