the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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