i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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