his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
