never play flip cup with pint glasses
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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