i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
