In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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