the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
you made out with another girl for some wings
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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