I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize