I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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