saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
