She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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