Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
