my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
