wanna go halves on a baby?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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