and next time when you feel me up, do it right
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize