Four minutes until I can fart!
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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