Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
