grandma shit on top of the toilet
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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