when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
