Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i've created a new STD.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
