Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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