You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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