I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
well, you know. whores of a feather.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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