i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
