This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
