I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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