Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
