All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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