last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
