I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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