you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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