Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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