you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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