never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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