the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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