i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
