My friends, they love my intelligence
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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