I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize