I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You left your phone here
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